Trying to be Perfect
As a parent, we always want to be the best for our children. We want to be the best parent we can be or just the ‘best’ in general. We don’t want to have the flaws we think our parents had. Everyone at some time or another has said ‘I don’t want to be like my mum and/or dad’ or ‘I don’t want to do x like my mum and/or dad’. The only problem with wanting to be perfect is that you are setting yourself up to fail. In parenting, there is no such thing as perfect. Everyone has their flaws. Yes, you may not do x as your parents did but it is likely when your child has children they will say the exact thing about your parenting. It’s a cycle because no-one is perfect. We all have bad days and we are all entitled to have bad days. In these modern times, though this need to feel perfect is made worse due to social media, most parents will post the perfect picture, not the 50 horrible attempts it took to take that 1 perfect picture. But because we only see the 1 perfect picture we think they are the perfect family with the perfect life. We only see a snapshot in their daily lives, we don’t see the bigger picture.
Nearly every day I worry I haven’t given PJ enough of my attention, that I haven’t played with her enough, that I haven’t done enough with her. During these COVID times though, surely that can’t be right. When has a child, for a lot of families, had both parents around nearly all the time. The dad not going into the office 8–6 Monday to Friday, mum not rushing to baby groups or coffee with friends. They have our undivided attention 24/7. The downside to this is that we can feel consumed by them. There have been days where I’ve been like ‘Can I just be Katie?’, ‘Can I have 2 minutes of not be on ‘on-call’ for the baby?’ Because due to COVID it has, I believe, intensified these feelings. For a mum or the main caregiver, it has become harder to have baby-free time. For me, I used to go to the gym, only twice a week, but it was my thing. It made me feel good. I didn’t have to rush my shower so I could enjoy the fact that PJ was napping. It reminded me of pre-baby Katie. As I said in my last blog, motherhood is all-consuming but at the same time, we mothers have to try and cling on to a couple of things that make us, us. Whether that be, gym, playing games, reading, blogging whatever. The only problem is struggling to find this baby-free time can make us end up resenting our baby for a time because they are always there. I mean even as I write this PJ is asleep but the monitor is just behind me on the side. I glance over at it every so often. I am constantly in mum mode waiting for a cry. Which normally is fine but sometimes it builds up where I need to hit the reset button and be away from her. So all I need to think about for some time is myself. Don’t get me wrong I would still be thinking about her because I’m missing her. I’m talking about not thinking about what am I going to give her for lunch, dinner, nap times etc. The other morning I wanted a lay-in so my partner got up with PJ when she woke, but I ended up not going back to sleep because I was worried nap times were going to get ruined or the dishwasher wasn’t going to sort etc.
Sometimes I do wonder what I am doing being a parent. Don’t get me wrong I love PJ, I would do anything for her. But I feel like I am missing the mark with being her mum. I feel like I should be doing more for her and with her. Whether it be working on her physical skills or mental development or just being there for her. But then there are moments like today I am so quite proud to call her my daughter. When I am hearing her giggle and full-on laugh, but there are times when I look at her and I think ‘I have no idea what to do with you’. It’s not that I miss the person I was before PJ. It’s just that I feel lost like we do the same thing day after day. Especially in these COVID times. Before COVID I went to a mummy and baby group on a Monday, Baby College on a Tuesday, Baby Sensory on a Wednesday. I had busy weeks and now I have nothing. This week the most exciting thing I’m doing is my daily walk to Sainburys Local to get a paper so I can get some free tickets to Alton Towers. It’s so hard trying to think of things to do with an almost 10month old. It doesn’t help that PJ is independent so she just does what she wants anyway and is quite happy playing on her own. Our favourite games are mummy builds a tower and PJ knocks it down and mummy putting my plastic fruit and veg in the little basket while I tip it over.
One of my mummy friends on our group chat a few months ago now shared a post that had come across on Instagram. I can’t remember word for word what it said but it should stop trying to be perfect because your already perfect to your baby. A baby doesn’t know anything different to what it already knows, PJ doesn’t know that I could play with her more because she hasn’t got anything to compare me too. It’s not like she can have a conversation with another baby moaning about how I could do things better. And knowing this fact, that in PJ’s eyes I’m already doing the perfect job makes me feel a bit better about my parenting. I know I could improve in a few areas but show me a parent who doesn’t need too.
